94 Funny Quotes That Will Bring Some Humor To Your Day

funny quotes

We have a collection of Funny Quotes for Whats app, Instagram & Facebook with images.

1. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.

2. Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you

3. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

4. Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

5. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

6. A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

7. Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

8. The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

9. If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.

10. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.

11. Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.

12. Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.

13. Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.

14. I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

15. Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

16. A college education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get.

17. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

18. The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

19. You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.

20. A gossip is a person who creates the smoke in which other people assume there’s fire.

21. The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

22. It’s so much easier to suggest solutions when you don’t know too much about the problem.

23. Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!

24. When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.

25. I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

26. Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

27. All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.

28. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

29. It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.

30. The only time some fellows are ever seen with their wives is after they’ve been indicted.

31. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it.

32. It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.

33. Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent.

34. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

35. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping.

36. He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

37. He is a self-made man and worships his creator.

38. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

39. An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!

40. We use 10% of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60%.

41. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

42. Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.

43. I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.

44. Always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise they won’t come to yours.

45. You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

46. If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.

47. Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.

48. Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays.

49. Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

50. I have the same goal I’ve had ever since I was a girl. I want to rule the world.

51. Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.

52. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

53. Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love

54. Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

55. My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.

56. The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.

57. Santa Claus had the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

58. Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

59. Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.

60. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

61. People kept saying ‘Go Corona’ and it went to other countries to spread across the globe.

62. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

63. Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so

64. Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

65. You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. Now you tell me you love me, that’s why I’m scared!

66. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

67. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

68. I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

69. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

70. It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.

71. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

72. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

73. You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

74. My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.

75. By the time someone says, ‘To make a long story short,’ it’s too late.

76. The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

77. Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

78. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

79. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

80. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.

81. Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

82. Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.

83. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

84. Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.

85. The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

86. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

87. Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city.

88. When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

89. A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

90. If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.

91. If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.

92. Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

93. If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.

94. My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.



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